brevity

i write clever words on paper
i sometimes think i don't believe at all
i've never felt so fake so false and such a lie
i couldn't even look him in the eyes
he was 25 like i was
but he was deaf and slowly going blind
he made my faith seem worthless
the things i hoped were pointless
and he fought to stay
but always dreamed that he could leave this place

the angel's wings
will cover you tonight
halleluJah
press your head against the breast of Christ
halleluJah

it made me feel so empty
collapsing on some dirty bathroom floor
and isn't it just like me to mourn his passing breath
when he will never suffer anymore?
beautiful, his pictures
fading black and silver
and i sing of faith
but his was true and fierce
and i will miss him

HalleluJah

~Brave Saint Saturn
"estrella"

I open up a normally humdrum "Alumni Relations" email from my college. I scan through the article titles to see if there is anything interesting, expecting nothing. I read "Lynda Joy Varner (1979-2005)" and I gasp, "Oh, no!" in a hushed startled sort of way. I read the article and tears well up in my eyes.

Now, I had met Lynda a few times but never really knew her. I knew her parents better: Her mother I primarily knew because I worked on the school's website and met with her a few times to get information for her department to put on the website. Her father was twice my professor and in one class he really was involved with us (there were only 13 or so of us). He invited us over to his house a few times (which is where I met Lynda and became better acquanted with her mother).

But, reading of her death made me think of how hard that must be for her parents, extended family and close friends. And I began to think about death and what it meant and how we should act toward it. I was immediately reminded of the "Brave Saint Saturn" song I quoted above, and the line in it that says "and isn't it just like me to mourn his passing breath when he will never suffer anymore?" I thought of how she is now in heaven and does not have to be bothered/held back/restricted by the shackle of sin as she did in this world. She will never suffer anymore. And we should rejoice in that. Still, isn't it okay to mourn? I like to say that life is a balancing act. I think there should be a balance in regard to this as well. Of course it is okay to mourn, we will miss her. But at the same time, realize that she is now in heaven and able to worship God perfectly. In vain, while she was upon the earth, she strove to be holy...now she is. In this we should rejoice.

I am also reminded of the brevity of life and how we could die tomorrow, so we need to live for Christ today. I am reminded of a quote that was put on someone's door on my wing my sophomore year of college. It was one of Jonathan Edwards' resolutions: "Resolved never to do anything I would not do were it the hour of His coming." This is how we should live because it could be the hour of His coming, but it could also be the hour of our going.

Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep His commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.

For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

~Ecclesiastes 12:13-14